"Congratulations -Welcome to the Teresian family.. classes willb egin on the 6th." Suddenly , like a thunderbolt, the truth struck me! I could never, ever, become what i had dreamt of sinse the day amma huddled me close to her chest and whispered " your r going to become a great doctor" Sorrow like a sharp edged sword plunged into my heart - I cried!!!

My fate had long beesn sealed with the announcement of the Kerala CET results. But, i hung on! I had written scores of other tests. Surely something would come up. Something did come - In plenty ..... Rejections!! I'v heard people say that goodbye is the saddest word. But i felt " NOT QUALIFIED" was more suited for the title. After each result was announced , i would burn the hall tickets of the tests in the privacy of my dark bedroom. Even the bluish yellow flames that came forth, seemed to be mocking me. The black ash that remained i would blow out of the little window throught which i had often gazed into the deep blue skies smiling at the thought of being addressed as a doctor. The black ash would flutter in the gentle breeze, like a swarm of bees before I lost sight of them. Then, one day i realized i had no more hall tickets to burn. But i was not some one who would give up so easily. I waited and waited in wain for the phone call that never came, the post man who never turned up! Meanwhile zubin n sunu had already got admission to Kottayam medical college. We were often called the three musketeers. I wondered why there was no 2 musketeers.. as i tried to hide rivulets of tears streaming down my cheeks. " my lord, my lord why have you forsaken me?"my heart cried out as we parted ways.

On the 6th of july I entered the portals of St. Teresa's College, Ernakulam. I was startled by what i saw before me! The same white building, the same flight of stairs... everything resembled the medical college I used to visualise in my dreams. There was a slight difference though, instead of reading Kottayam medical college, the sighn board said, St. Teresa's College, Ernakulam. As i was climbing the steps to my class room I came across an open bible. My heart skipped a beat as i read Jeremiah 29:11 "I alone know the plans I have for you. Plans for your prosperity, not disaster." A sudden calmness engulfed me, I felt peaceful for the first time in many months. The college had meanwhile arranged an orientation course for us first years. The 3 days of praise and worship, lifted me to the pinnacle of spiritual bliss. On the last day we were asked to write on a piece of paper stuff we wished to erase from memory. I scribled " My dream to become a doctor" We were then asked to cast the bit into the flame before us. As i burnt the bit, the yellow flames no longer seemed to mock me. They seemed to be dancing.. dancing to the song that arose from the depths of my heart.

hmmmm.... the phase of my life after my 12th grade, was one horrific ordeal. But as the saying goes, " every dark cloud has a silver lining". St. Teresa's was the silver lining for me. I have regained the lost rythm of my life and risen from the ashes of shame and defeat. Indeed i have finally attained my Canannan of freedom.

to be or not to be: that is the quest

whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

th slings & arrows of outrageous forthune

or, to take arms against a sea of trouble

and by opposing them.... END them?

nb: I prefer the latter! I intend to be..........